Random Randomness
by ElizabethSnow17
Summary: Previously Simple Mistakes. A series of one-shots about failed experiments, incidents, and anything exploding. No pairings. Just humor and adventure. Enjoy!
1. The Box

_The idea for this one-shot comes from an…incident a friend and I had concerning frozen pizza and a microwave. Very messy, but we were both laughing hysterically…even while we were scrubbing burnt cheese off the inside of the microwave. So…enjoy my first Skulduggery Pleasant fic! 0_o_

* * *

"This isn't safe."

"Our jobs aren't safe."

"You're not even technically alive."

Skulduggery groaned, pausing in his work to look at his partner.

"Look, Valkyrie," he said, "Tanith and Ghastly are patrolling and keeping watch. I personally disabled all the alarms. I've done so much research on this thing that I know more about it than its blueprints do. I swear, it's fine!"

Still unconvinced, Valkyrie leaned casually against the wall on the far side of the small, square room, arms crossed, as far away from the object as possible.

"I don't care how much you researched it, I'm staying over here in the harmful-magic free zone." From her post, she saw Skulduggery shake his head and mutter something inaudible, then return to picking the lock on the box.

Three minutes passed. Then five. The sharp clicking noise of Skulduggery tinkering with the gray, blank cube echoed throughout the empty room. Growing impatient, Valkyrie tapped her foot, then clicked her tongue, then drummed her fingers against the wall, watching in amusement as Skulduggery flinched slightly at each tap.

"Do you mind?" he growled stiffly after a few moments of tapping.

"Not at all." Valkyrie chimed cheerfully, and continued drumming.

Ten minutes. Fifteen. Valkyrie was about to start verbally complaining when Skulduggery shouted out triumphantly, followed by a rapid clicking noise from the box.

"Hah! I did it! I got it ope-"

Valkyrie let out a startled shriek as a miniature explosion, complete with its own little red mushroom cloud and plume of gray smoke, cut off his exclamation. Skulduggery calmly stepped back from the charred box and turned to Valkyrie. She exploded with laughter when she saw that the entire front of his white, skeletal face was now coated with thick, black ash.

Grumbling, he stalked moodily out of the room, leaving the remains of the fake box behind and a hysterical Valkyrie trailing behind him.

* * *

_Reviews, comments and advice are all appreciated! _


	2. Chew Toy

_Come on, who hasn't imagined what would happen if Skulduggery came in contact with a dog? He's a natural chew toy. Inspiration for the pup comes from my friends' dog, who chews on anything that doesn't move. Actually, she chewed on my feet once, so she also chews on things that move, too. With that, enjoy!_

* * *

"GAH! OUCH! Get it off getitoff getitoff getotoff get it OFF!"

"Oh, Skulduggery, suck it up."

"GET. IT. OFF."

"But it's soooo cute!"

"It would be even cuter if it weren't attached to my leg!"

Valkyrie howled with laughter as she watched the terrified detective spin and thrash in circles, violently shaking his leg, attempting to dislodge the small fuzzy bundle that was gnawing on his ankle.

After almost three minutes of a hysterical Valkyrie, a shamelessly cursing Skulduggery, and an extremely persistent pup, the furry mass finally gave up and released Skullduggery's leg and was flung across the room, tumbling head over paws to Valkyrie's feet.

Skulduggery collapsed in a gasping heap on the floor, and pointed a menacing finger at Valkyrie and the dog.

"We. Are. Not. Getting it."

"But – "

"NO!"

" – we would never have to buy it any chew toys!"

She innocently held the puppy out at arms length to Skulduggery, who stopped his threatening advance at her and started inching backwards warily.

"No. Put it back." There was a quiet pause. "And quit pouting."

Grudgingly, Valkyrie placed the puppy back into the cushy, straw-filled pen with its' brothers and sisters. Panting happily, it watched with large, brown eyes as the two walked away. Ignoring the odd looks given by the pet shops owner, Valkyrie and Skulduggery calmly exited the shop.

A few blocks down, Valkyrie flashed him a mischievous grin.

"But he liked you!"

"Shut up."

* * *

_My question is, what were they doing in a pet shop anyway? Oh well, it's my fic I'll do what I like! Hah! Reviews, comments and advice are all appreciated! _


	3. Why You?

_I was watching The Phantom of the Opera while writing this, so I got distracted and started singing along with 'Point of No Return', and 'Angel of Music' and stuff like that. So…this actually took me about an hour and a half to write. Wow. _________________________________________________________________________

"I can't see a thing. Kindly tell me if I'm about to walk into a tree."

"It's not like I can see either, Skulduggery. So it's not my fault if you smack into a tree trunk."

"You're not very helpful."

"Neither are you."

Mist and darkness was all Valkyrie could see, and only the dim and blurry outline of Skulduggery stumbling around with arms outstretched like a zombie showed just to the right of her. Even that image was fading as rolls of fog tumbled past.

"Remind me," Valkyrie said, her voice sounding muffled over the mist, "why are we roaming about in the woods in the middle of the night?"

"Curiosity?"

"So help me, Skulduggery…"

"I have a good reason. I do."

"What is it."

"I'm still working on it."

"I swear to God, if you don't – "

A faint rumbling in the distance stopped her threat. The rumbling soon grew louder, until it grew to a deafening roar. Suddenly, a blinding light illuminated the blank gray sky above them.

Valkyrie shielded her face while Skulduggery clutched his hat down low over his skull as a violent wind swept through the forest, rattling boughs and raining pine needles and leaves down upon them.

"What the – " was all Valkyrie could hear Skulduggery say before a resounding BOOM echoed throughout the hills and shook the trees, followed by a bright, red and orange light that lead a fiery explosion just visible through the hazy air and thick covering of shrubs and pines.

After a few moments of muted silence, only interrupted by the distant crackling of flames, Valkyrie was the first one to break the shocked stillness.

"How come something always explodes when you're around?"

* * *

_Not sure what that large BOOM was, but I promised you explosions, so explosions you shall get! Reviews, comments and advice are all appreciated! And if I've been forgetting and need to do this…_

_**takes large breath**__ "Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." __**breaths out**_

_**please don't sue me! **_


	4. Snow Day

_It's storming really bad up at my house, and if the idiots at the school don't give us a snow day tomorrow like they did last year during the 5 ft. snow storm… anyway, that's where this idea came from. This one is more of a conversation; the weather is the only wild part. I promise the next one will be better. Enjoy!_

* * *

Wind and ice blew mercilessly, sweeping over charcoal black streets and whipping over buildings and past windowpanes. No light penetrated the thick gray clouds that spouted the endless rain of sleet upon the city. Frozen swirls of snow danced on the sidewalks, twirling around passersby.

Two of the passerby, despite the freezing weather, appeared to be arguing fiercely. The taller of the two was empathetically motioning with his arms and speaking urgently, while the girl dressed in black walking along side him seemed to be amusedly contradicting him.

"That's not true!"

"Is too."

"Give one example."

The girl took no more than two seconds to answer.

"Well, there was twice on my birthday last year, last month in that warehouse, in Ghastly's shop a few weeks ago, and your latest, Monday at the park. I have no idea how you managed that…"

The taller man fell silent for a moment, and then folded his arms crossly.

"That doesn't count. You named four."

The girl sighed.

"Maybe you're some sort of natural phenomenon. You know…minus the fact you're a walking, talking skeleton and you use magic."

The man snorted. They walked in silence for a moment, heads bowed against the raging storm. Then he spoke up.

"I don't even remember what happened on your birthday."

"The candles fell over on the cake and it somehow caught fire. Tanith poured her soda on it. The second thing was the present you gave me, the lava lamp? It burst into flames. It also singed China's eyebrows pretty badly."

They both sniggered, the howling wind drowning out some of their laughter.

"She threatened to curse me into oblivion." He reminisced. After pondering for a moment, he turned to his companion.

"You know…it _is_ kind of weird that almost everything I get near to goes up in flames."

"Are you kidding? You should be lucky I'm daring to walk next to you right now."

The sleet and snow soon absorbed the two laughing figures as they continued down the sidewalk.

Then, the wind was the only noise once more.

* * *

_Ok, if the Skulduggery=explosion thing is getting old, let me know. I'll gladly write something different. Suggestions are welcome…I can feel the beginnings of a writer's block coming on…NOOOOOOO!_

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _


	5. Archenemy

_Remember at the end of the first book there was that extra short story "The Lost Art of World Domination"? Well, here's another failure of the poor evil sorcerer Scaramouch Van Dreg!_

* * *

Scaramouch gloated. He had been practicing. Finally, he once again had the great detective within his grasp…or at least in his linen closet. Unfortunately, there was no other place to put him. You don't get many options when you capture your worst enemy in a hotel.

Oh well, the padlock infused with magic had done the trick. After about ten minutes after capturing Pleasant, Scaramouch had realized just how hard it is to gloat when your captive is either snoring loudly or trying to make pleasant small talk through the closet door.

"You know, it's very cramped in here. Did you ever consider, perhaps, locking me in the restraunt? Trap me with the breakfast buffet and coffee machine?"

Scaramouch rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. Why did he always get a headache in the vicinity of Pleasant?

"You realize," Scaramouch said, "that you are on the verge of being destroyed by ME? Your ARCHENEMY?" His annoyance amplified when he heard an exasperated sigh from inside the makeshift cell.

"I thought we discussed this last time we met. I don't consider you my archenemy…. only relatively deadly." Pleasant said calmly, as if he were telling someone that he disliked the taste of spinach.

"I'm still deadly!" Scaramouch defended. He instantly changed to a more dramatic mood. "Now, Pleasant," He said with as much evil as he could muster, "prepare to meet death!"

"I've already met it once…"

Scaramouch nearly lost all his patience, but managed to control his outburst. Even though he knew his prisoner couldn't see him, he waltzed regally to the other side of the hotel room, where sitting on a desk was a small, gray cube.

"Here, Mr. Pleasant, I have your doom! This box, once placed near a sorcerer, will drain their power!" He released his most menacing laugh.

"Then…how can you get near it?"

"A simple spell…thing came with a manual."

"A manual? You don't find those with every magic draining artifact."

"Yes…well, once I place this at the base of your little cell-"

"You call this a cell? Fuzzy towels and washcloths?"

"-and drain you of all your power!"

A moment of silence ensued. Finally seeming to notice the danger he was in, Pleasant began his usual tricks.

"Oh wow! I found a trap door leading to an underground city!" A cheekily awed voice sounded from the closet. "Here I go!" Pleasant made a throaty creaking noise, then knocked softly on the door of the cell, sounding out the beat of footsteps. "Oh my God! It's beautiful!" There was silence as Scaramouch rolled his eyes. "You buyin' this?"

Now he was really getting a migraine.

"You are more foolish than you seem, skeleton. Now is not the time for humor!"

Then, the one thing that Scaramouch had not been expected burst through the door of the hotel room.

"Skulduggery? Where are you!?" The girl whipped around and glared at Scaramouch, who could only mouth soundless questions in shock. "Where did you put him?"

"I'm in the closet, Valkyrie." A muffled voice answered for him.

The girl turned back to him, a curious look on his face.

"You fit him in there? Wow." She walked over to the closet, removed a hairpin from her hair, and began picking the lock. A few seconds later, she casually opened the door, revealing a very cramped looking Skulduggery Pleasant.

"Thanks."

"No problem." She paused, looking confused. "Who is this guy again?"

Scaramouch snapped.

"I AM SCARAMOUCH VAN DREG! I AM YOUR ARCHENEMY!"

Looking unfazed, the girl turned back to Pleasant.

"So…can we go now? Tanith is waiting."

"Yeah, lets go."

Scaramouch stood frozen in shock, and could only watch as the two walked out the door into the hallway. After recovering, he rushed to the room's window and flung open the curtains. Looking down at the sidewalk beneath him, he watched in utter disbelief as Skulduggery waved cheerily up at his window before crossing the street with the girl.

* * *

_Anyone else think Scaramouch is kinda like ZIM? 0_o_

_That "pleasant small talk' line was not intended to be a pun._

_Any resemblance to a certain Simpson's episode titled 'Funeral for a Fiend' is…well…intentional. I only used a few lines! __**Sigh**__, fine._

"_The Simpson's characters and plotlines are wholly the property of Matt Groening and co."_

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, Scaramouch Van Dreg, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _


	6. Pulverised Strawberries

_This actually happened to me and my friend…the same one I had the microwave mishap with! Have fun!_

* * *

The first thing Tanith noticed when she entered the kitchen was that someone had splatter-painted the walls a pinkish magenta…and still were. She shrieked as a blob of the liquid splashed her in the face.

After wiping pink and red goop out of her eyes, the sight before her was either incredibly comical or the worst case of stupidity she had ever seen.

"What the – SKULDUGGERY!"

Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant were desperately trying to place the lid back onto a vertigo blender spewing strawberry smoothie. Skulduggery was struggling to press the lid down over the top, but a circle of smoothie was spraying everywhere from under the lid despite his efforts, while Valkyrie was feverently pressing random buttons at the base of the blender.

"No, no! Press that button first!"

"But that turns it up higher!"

"Where's the 'off' button!"

"I can't find it!"

"Ok, then lock the cap!"

"I can't! To much pulverized strawberry!"

Tanith stormed over to the counter, dodging strawberry and ice chunks, and ripped the plug out of the power socket. For a few moments, there was an awkward silence, and the only sound was the steady drip of smoothie slithering down cupboards, counters and the fridge, falling onto the tiled floor with a thick plop.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie were no better than the kitchen. Strawberry dribbled down their fronts and splattered their faces. They still looked in shock as they stared and Tanith. She grinned.

"You know, Skulduggery, that fruit is probably going to stain your skull pink."

* * *

_Yep, we blew up a blender! She did it again in Home Ec. at school, too. _

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, Scaramouch Van Dreg, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _


	7. Better On Paper

_Ok folks, here's where the fic get a little more active. Very slight continuation of the previous chapter, but with some action! Plus, an OC! OMG 0_o _

_A/N – special thanks to Katie, who is now editing for me! Bloooooop!_

_(ahem. Inside joke, sry.) Anyway, on with the show!_

* * *

Tanith had sent Skulduggery and Valkyrie to buy a new blender. Apparently, they had ruined hers beyond repair. Their main question was, of course…

"So, where do we find blenders?" Skulduggery casually asked as they strolled down the sidewalk, looking for stores selling blenders, preferably on sale.

"I don't know. I've never exactly had to shop for one before."

It was a calm, silent day, obscured by a light mist hanging low on the streets. A very neutral gray cloud hovered above, threatening rain.

Suddenly, out of the silence, a girl's scream shattered the calm evening mood. Whipping around, Skulduggery and Valkyrie searched wildly for the source of the sound.

"Where-"

"I'm not sure. That echo makes it confusing…there!"

They sprinted to a nearby alley, where they met a sight not uncommon in the city. A man was gripping a poor young girls shoulder, ripping a black book bag from her hands.

"NO!" That's MINE!" The attacker gripped her shoulder harder, and she cried out in pain, releasing her bag.

"HEY!" Skulduggery pursued the man a few feet before stopping. A plume of fire appeared in his outstretched palm. Startled by the sudden heat and crackling sound of flames, the man turned and dropped the bag in shock and sped away. Skulduggery moved forward and retrieved the bag.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie had rushed towards the girl and was now questioning her.

"Are you all right?" She asked as Skulduggery handed her the bag. The girl only nodded slightly and stared, open-mouthed at Skulduggery. She hadn't even fixed her blonde hair, which had become tangled in the struggle and obscured her face.

Valkyrie glanced at Skulduggery, and did a double take. Wincing, she started motioning towards his head.

"What? Something in my teeth?"

Valkyrie shook her head.

"Your…hat and scarf came off."

He stiffened, and frantically began patting his head and searching his neck. Valkyrie noticed the girl snigger slightly.

_Strange. _She thought._ That wasn't my first reaction. I believe I fainted…_

"Back there, Skulduggery." Valkyrie said, pointing back from where they came, where his hat and scarf lay on the dirty ground.

"Great." He muttered, picking them up and swiping mud and dust off them. "Why does the street have to be so filthy?"

Valkyrie turned back to the girl.

"What's your name?"

"Elise." She said absently, still staring curiously at the detective. Oddly enough, she didn't look frightened. "And…thank you. Who…are you?"

"Well, I'm the awesome-er one," Skulduggery began, "And she's-"

"The smarter one." She finished for him, flashing a mischievous grin. "He's a detective. Our current mission is to purchase a blender."

Elise smiled.

"Good to know." She opened her black bag and retrieved a mechanical pencil and sketchbook. She looked shyly up at Skulduggery. "You wouldn't mind if…so I can thank you…I mean if you don't want too…"

Skulduggery didn't answer.

"Well, are you gonna let her?" Valkyrie asked. Skulduggery still stared blankly at Elise.

"Do I have to spoon-feed it to you? She wants to make a sketch of you." Skulduggery finally got it.

"Ooohhh! Yeah, go ahead! I always loved getting my picture taken, why not drawn too? Do you want the hat? I always thought it made me look cool. So, how long will I have to stand still? Should I pose? How's this…"

Tanith watched curiously as Skulduggery marched proudly in through the door, a snickering Valkyrie trailing behind him. She noticed with annoyance that neither of them was carrying a blender.

"Where – " she stopped short when a piece of paper was shoved uncomfortably close to her face. "What is that?" She ripped the paper away from her face and studied it. On the paper was a detailed sketch of Skulduggery, skull, hat, scarf and all. The room was silent for a moment as she examined the drawing.

"Wow. Whoever did this made you look better on paper than you do in real life. Good for them."

* * *

_Uh oh, looks like someone has found out what our friend Skulduggery is, and what he can do! Will she spread the word?_

_Three guesses on who Elise is based on! She should appear more than once._

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, Scaramouch Van Dreg, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _

_Elise, however, belongs to me. _


	8. Inside Jokes

_Skulduggery's hat and scarf have to get ripped up sometimes, don't they? And Valkyrie and Skulduggery can have their own ridiculous inside jokes like us, can't they? And Ghastly can be just as confused as anyone who happens to hear these jokes, right?_

* * *

It was finally finished. After days of snipping loose threads, tying up seams, and replacing patches, the hat and scarf were in one piece. Ghastly Bespoke sat back in his chair and sighed. _Skulduggery__ would have to kick these around on the street for them to get this filthy and torn, _He thought. _I finished just in time, too. They said they would be here pretty soon. _

Almost as soon as he finished his thought, two people entered his shop. Both were laughing hysterically, talking, and then breaking into laughter again. As they came inside, Ghastly was able to hear what they were saying, and was instantly lost…and somewhat disturbed.

"A-and remember those gigantic pink granny panties that –" Valkyrie was cut off by more bouts of laughter, from both her and Skulduggery.

"Then sh-she said, "I don't even know how to_ begin_ to fix that!" and you-" Skulduggery's speech dissolved into more laughter.

"Oh, and remember that Polo-Domo guy that Tanith and I doodled, and you-"

More laughter.

"-and th-then we didn't stop laughing for over ten minutes because of-of-" They both laughed for a long moment, then finished at the same time.

"The _chicken sandwich_!" They gasped through a fit of giggles.

The shop was filled with their laughter. Ghastly could only sit and watch as each of them reminisced about events that made absolutely no sense to him. He had heard of inside jokes, but this was ridiculous.

"And th-the freaky-crackers and ch-chocolate bacon, and-" More hearty laughter.

"And w-when the grape hit her in the face!"

"And the h-ham bagel!"

"And "Can I stir your salad?"

If possible, they both laughed even harder, completely ignoring Ghastly's blank expression, not to mention his presence.

"And when you tripped him, and the guy behind us was like "Holy crap they have a camera!" Once again, more breathless laughter ensued.

Now Ghastly was slightly entertained. The images and scenes he was picturing were becoming quite humorous.

"Then w-when she tried to look up 'unibrows' on Google-"

"And he asked for diet water-"

"And he was wearing the wig!"

"And we started head dancing-"

"And the 'to light, to heavy'-"

"And the shaving cream was _everywhere!_"

For a good ten minutes, they were unable to breath, and Ghastly calmly sat and waited for the fit to end. A awkward silence followed when Skulduggery and Valkyrie finally seemed to realize that he was there. Valkyrie grinned and Skulduggery chuckled, both addressed Ghastly at the same and said,

"You had to be there!"

"Obviously."

* * *

_Wow that's a lot of randomness. Most of those seemingly pointless, made-up-on-the-spot inside jokes are from incidents with my friends. Yes, they make sense to us! Who knows, I may work them into future chapters so you'll understand them!_

_I'm nervous about this one. Hopefully it's not too confusing. If it is, I'm sorry! I've got writers block, and the only thing I can think of besides this involves a crack!fic involving the game show 'Whose Line is it Anyway' and book characters. Have pity on me! _

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, Scaramouch Van Dreg, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _


	9. Game Night

_A/N – I apologize for the late update, but school has me in its grasp (plus my editor took longer than usual). Thanks for your patience! Don't worry, I would tell you guys If this was going on hiatus._

_You guys told me to go for it in the reviews! This isn't quite the whole game show ordeal, I figure that would have to be a separate fic, but the games are from the show 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' hosted by Drew Carey. Unfortunately, this isn't. Most lines are taken from two of the episodes. Don't worry, if I ever do a full fic, I'll make my own jokes. The first skit is from season 8, episode 13, I don't know which one the other is from. Enjoy!_

* * *

Ghastly, Tanith, Skulduggery and Valkyrie had decided that they needed to do something, anything to break the dull rut they were in. Chase a few bad guys, catch something on fire, blow something up, make dozens of sarcastic remarks, the typical week. It was getting boring.

So, now they were sitting around mountains of chips and dip, slurping soda and talking about said bad guys, fires, explosions, and sarcasm.

After their conversations had ended, there was a peaceful silence for a few minutes, until Valkyrie piped up.

"We should play a game."

Everyone stared at her.

"What could we possibly play? Tick-Tack-Toe? Go Fish? We don't exactly have many game boards around here." Tanith pointed out.

"So we make one up." Valkyrie decided. "Like..." An amused grin crossed her face.

"Skulduggery, Ghastly, get up."

They stared at her for a few moments, and then stepped up into the large open space behind the chips and dip table.

"Uhm…Tanith, give me a everyday place, you know, for the setting."

She thought for a moment.

"How about a bowling alley?"

Valkyrie's smile grew wider.

"Ok. Skulduggery, Ghastly, you are in a film noir scene. While you're acting out a skit at a bowling alley, randomly step forward at times to narrate your thoughts, you know, like those old cheesy detective films. Tanith and I are the audience."

While she was talking, Tanith had been snickering while the two men whispered feverently to each other. Both coming to a conclusion, they stepped back to start the scene. Skulduggery stepped forward first.

"I'd been looking for the man who stole my bowling ball fifteen years ago," he said in a perfectly dramatic voice. "I had finally tracked him to this bowling alley here in Dublin. I was about to get lucky." He stepped back with a saunter, turning to Ghastly, who was pretending to roll a ball down a alley.

"Hey, nice style." He said mysteriously.

"Thank you," Ghastly replied, equally dramatic, "thank you very much." Then he stepped forward.

"I knew this face. Whether it was from my past, or that dog food can I kicked around in the street, I couldn't say…"

Tanith and Valkyrie giggled.

"…so I decided to play it cool." He stepped back into the scene. Skulduggery immediately stepped forward again.

"I knew it was him, so I decided to confront him." He backed into the scene, and leaned in a comically threatening way toward Ghastly.

"All right, I know you took my bowling ball fifteen years ago, I want it back and I want it now!" He demanded.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Ghastly stepped forward again, managing to keep a straight face. "I knew what he was talking about." He admitted coolly. Tanith and Valkyrie snickered. "But I played by the rules and he didn't. You see, every time he steps forward to talk," Ghastly pointed in a horizontal line at his feet, back and forth, "he steps over the line."

Valkyrie and Tanith laughed, and applauded as Ghastly stepped back into the scene. Skulduggery gazed at him calmly, although his shoulders were shacking slightly from giggling.

"I want my ball back."

"Tell ya' what. I've got a five-ten split there. You finish it off, you can have your ball back." Ghastly challenged, gesturing in front of him randomly. Skulduggery stepped forward.

"I was going to enjoy showing this guy up. I don't care about any line," He bragged comically, and started walking farther and farther toward the table, where Tanith and Valkyrie sat cracking up. "I can go anywhere I want!" He continued until he was pushing against the table. He briefly reached forward and took a chip, then walked back to Ghastly, where he pretended to seize a bowling ball and take position, then rolled the imaginary ball. He turned back to Ghastly, and tuned around to take a look at his shot.

"Tough break." Ghastly said smugly. Skulduggery turned around again, and flinched dramatically, acting shocked and confused. Ghastly stepped forward.

"Looks like the concrete I put under the pins worked."

Tanith and Valkyrie laughed more, and even harder as he continued.

"Nothing could knock those suckers over, not in a million years. I knew he was coming. Been showing up every morning for the past three years." As he backed up, he twirled his finger at the side of his head, mouthing "Crazy!"

Now all of them were laughing, and as they came back to take a seat, Skulduggery turned to the girls.

"Now you guys have to do one."

Valkyrie wholeheartedly agreed, and dragged Tanith behind her up to the 'stage'.

"So what are we doing?

Skulduggery and Ghastly grinned at each other.

"We were talking about this the other day. Act out…bad things to say to people on their deathbeds."

Everyone guffawed, and Valkyrie stepped forward first, a solemn look on her features, and leaned over as if looking at someone on their bed and whispered,

"What are you planning to do with your stereo?"

The four of them laughed heartily, then Tanith stepped forward.

"So...when do you think Jack will be able to date again?

More hard laughter, then they all sat back in their seats, and began munching on their snacks again.

"We have to do this again sometime." Tanith sighed.

Everyone agreed wholeheartedly.

* * *

_Hope you laughed as hard as I did when I saw first saw these! Keep in mind that Whose Line is a show about an improv team, and hard to describe in writing. Reviews, advice, threats, are all appreciated._

"_All jokes, scenes, Etc of WLIIA belongs to ABC, Drew Carey, and all corresponding producers and contestants."_

"_Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, China Sorrows, Scaramouch Van Dreg, etc. belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively." _


	10. Authors Note

Ok guys I am so sorry to say that this is going on a very short hiatus. Don't worry, not for to long, just until this hectic week is over. I'm having lots of issues at school and writers block to boot. I'm sorry, I will be back soon!

- Snow 0_o


	11. Too Graceful

_***Dances triumphantly***_

_Well, thanks to multiple "prompts" and "assistance" from the wonderful Katie (my editor), my imagination has decided to return from its vacation!…but I still had to pay the ransom. Oh well. In other words… I HAVE RETURNED!!! O_0 _

_Terribly sorry for the late updates, but right now I'm focusing on a multi-chap that's not only an original idea from last year (before my computer crashed), but is also a school project. Not related to a fandom, so it will therefore be posted on fictionpress. Find the link at my profile. _

-line isnt working....-

"_Did you hang back to test me, to see if I could handle it alone?"_

"_Well, kind of. Actually, no. My shoelace was untied."_

"_I could've been killed because you were tying your shoelace?!"_

"_An untied shoelace can be dangerous. I could've tripped….I'm joking."_

"_Really?" _

"_Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful."_

_- Playing with Fire, pgs. 21 & 22_

_-line-_

The sound of feet pounding on the stone streets echoed throughout the city and bounced back and fourth off of brick walls. Three figures could be seen running with a remarkable speed down streets leading to the edge of the rows of buildings, nearing the forest. The figure that was the target of the chase was pale, inhumanly pale, and not even breaking a sweat as he swept through the night. The two chasing him, a girl and an older, very thin man, were pursuing determinedly but falling behind.

Cursing in frustration, Skulduggery attempted to pick up the pace, only glancing behind him once as Valkyrie fell back, gasping for breath. Frowning with determination, she pushed forward and ran at Skulduggery's side.

As they rounded a corner, Valkyrie thought she saw something white flash out of the corner of her eye, but it disappeared almost as soon as it had appeared. A few seconds later, it dashed in and out of her peripheral vision. She payed it no mind until their fleeing suspect made a sharp right turn.

Valkyrie heard a sharp yelp from beside her, and something large and heavy slammed into her. Skulduggery and Valkyrie landed in a tangled heap on the dirt road, faces pressed into the dust and the triumphant laughter of their suspect mocking them as he disappeared into the night.

Swearing shamelessly, Skulduggery heaved himself upright and made to continue the chase. From her wonderful horizontal view of rocks and dirt, Valkyrie noticed a string dangling from Skulduggery's ankle. Pushing herself up, she opened her mouth to say something when he jerked forward and fell ungracefully onto his face.

Valkyrie stood behind him, watching amusedly as again and again he stumbled forward.

"Walk much?"

Growling, Skulduggery rolled over and sat, panting, evidently giving up. Valkyrie laughed.

"I suggest tying your shoes, Skulduggery."

-line-

_To tell the truth…this was just filler. Updates will be really spontaneous, as my multi-chap original story will be absorbing most of my time. Rest assured, I haven't forgot this!_

_As usual, reviews, comments, advice, etc. is appreciated._

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_


	12. All Tied Up

_Just wanted you guys to know that updates on this are going to be really spaced out now. Sometime there will be two or more per week, sometimes only once a month. I have a list of ideas, about a page long, to use, but I really don't have that much time to write now days. *__**Sigh***__. Perhaps during the summer…_

_Anyway….I don't wish to brag, but…I am now the proud possessor of a leather back, hardcover, complete collection of Sherlock Holmes tales by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, as well as Homers original Iliad and Odyssey! Yay! 0_o_

_It's a happy day! _

_Also, what is coming up next in this little adventure of our favorite magic detective is something I have actually experienced at a friends birthday. It was frustrating yet fun at the same time. Wonder how these guys deal with it._

_One more thing – I'm changing the title of these little ficlets to Random Randomness, as the stories aren't quite fitting into the previous title anymore. Plus…I'm at a loss for a better title. Meh._

The first thing Skulduggery noticed upon entering Gordon's house was that there was string. Yards and yards of string. It looped banisters, tied itself in knots, filtered in and out of doorways, and wrapped around furniture. It was even tossed over the ceiling fan and threaded up and down the staircase. The entire house looked like the inside of an immense, multi-colored roll of yarn.

Gazing around in awe, Skulduggery stumbled slightly as he weaved himself in and out of the criss-crossing thread, ducking, crawling, and high stepping, attempting to at least make it to the couch. A wall of purple and yellow string blocked his path, and he gave up, collapsing on the ground in a small open space on the carpet.

"Do you like it?"

He looked up to see Valkyrie at the top of the stairway, laying on her belly, grinning down at him.

"Oh, yeah. Because its totally natural to deck out your house in multicolored yarn. I assume you have a reason for doing this, and not just to imitate the life of a spider?"

She only smiled, and gestured behind her. Tanith crawled under a canopy of strings and threw her arms wide, smiling mischievously.

"Ready to start?'

Skulduggery cocked his head and stared back up at the girls.

"Start what? Strangling ourselves?"

Valkyrie skidded on her bottom down the short flight of stairs, plopping cross-legged at the base of the stairs. Carefully, she maneuvered her way across the living room, stopping at the back of a wooden chair from which the ends of three strings were tied. A sticky note was attached to each. She turned to Skulduggery.

"I have the yellow string, Tanith has the purple string, and you get the white string - "

"How come you guys get the fun colors?"

"- at the other end of each string there is a present- "

"Oh, a _prize._"

"- whoever finds their present first wins." She smirked evilly again. "There are over ten yards of yarn for each person - "

"This should be interesting."

" – you cannot cut the string."

Meanwhile, Tanith had slithered down the steps and crawled to the starting point. She untied her string and started rolling it around her hand, inches at a time as she followed her trail of purple through the house. Valkyrie followed behind her with her yellow.

Skulduggery reluctantly untied his string as well, and wrapped it around his gloved hand like Tanith did as he moved forward.

His first length took him up the stairs. He had to crawl in order to reach the top under the entwined mess. When he finally reached the top, he noticed the string had wound itself multiple times around a single bar on the hand railing. Sighing, he passed the ever-increasing ball of yarn around and around the bar.

Finally finishing that, his trail led him down the hall, through the bedroom, under the bed, through coat hangers in the closet, over the banister to the second floor below, down to the basement, in and out of table legs, even forcing Skulduggery to throw the wad of string up and over the arms of a ceiling fan.

Occasionally, he passed Valkyrie and Tanith going their own way. Valkyrie must have fixed Taniths' so she had to walk back and forth down the hallway. Tanith had deviously looped Valkyries' string around the bowl of the toilet…and in it. Skulduggery could hear her cursing from across the house.

After much grumbling himself, he finally had to climb back up the stairs. But now, he didn't have to crawl. Almost all the string had been collected. He weaved back and forth for a while in the hallway, and then followed the yarn back to the bedroom.

The end of the string ended in an immense, tangled knot around one of the feet of the bed. Next to it sat a brightly, if carelessly wrapped present.

Skulduggery heard a shout of victory from downstairs, and another a few minutes later, followed by the cry,

"Only you would hide a present in a trash can, Valkyrie!"

Chuckling, Skulduggery fingered the knot and had it free in a few seconds. Retrieving his present from beneath the bed and wrapping up the last of his now fifteen-inch circumference ball of yarn, he headed back downstairs.

He peeked down from the top of the stairs at Tanith and Valkyrie opening their packages on the couch. Valkyrie turned and smiled.

"Happy Birthday Skulduggery!"

_No, I am not sure what day is actually Skuls b-day._

_Yep, this is a 'game' my friend had at her birthday last weekend. I followed over twenty yards of pink yarn through her entire house. Her brother had set it up, and threaded it through every teensy-tiny little hole he could find, including the net on the ping-pong table. When we finally finished, we each had a ball of yarn the size of our heads. Now that's entertainment!_

_Happy Birthday on the 18th Colleen!_

_As usual, reviews, comments, advice, etc. is appreciated. Thanks!_

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_


	13. Lost

_This is no longer on Hiatus. Still spacey updates, though. Oh, and I know I said I would update mid June...I lied. :p_

_Monty Python fans will be happy with this one. If you haven't seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I pity you. It should still be funny, I hope, but not as funny if you haven't seen the movie. 0_o_

* * *

Skulduggery grasped frantically for his wildly billowing scarf, accidentally slapping Valkyrie in the backhand. She cried out in annoyance, but continued trying to discipline her increasingly tangled hair as it whipped about in the wind.

Snarling viciously, Skulduggery finally managed to tuck the edges of his scarf down inside his jacket. He still had to keep one hand on his hat to keep it from blowing away. Pausing beside the rickety wooden fence expanding out into green plains, he watched Valkyrie in amusement as she cursed her long hair. She snatched a black hair tie from her wrist and tethered the mess into a ponytail.

"Can we go now?"

Valkyrie glared at him.

"Oh, because you didn't stand there for five minutes fussing over your scarf."

Ignoring the comment, Skulduggery continued walking down the dull dirt road, gazing out into the fields. Dust swirled up and danced around them, and the blue sky overhead showed no end. After a long pause, Valkyrie spoke up.

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not. We're…taking a short cut."

Valkyrie snorted.

"Oh, definitely. Look at how fast we got lost."

Skulduggery kept walking.

"We could ask for directions."

He shook his head confusedly, still continuing onward.

"What is it with women and asking for directions?"

"What is it with men and _not _asking for directions?"

They fell into a frustrated silence. After walking for about twenty more lengths of fence, with nothing else in sight, they spotted an elderly farmer caring for her cattle out in the right pasture. Valkyrie prodded Skulduggery with her elbow.

"You should ask her how much farther it is."

Skulduggery opened his jaw to object when Valkyrie cut him off again.

"Or else I shall complain and gripe until you go insane from my high pitched annoying voice."

He paused for a moment, considering thoughtfully, then without another word he approached the fence and called out a greeting.

"Excuse me, Old Woman?"

She turned around, and in a deeper voice than Valkyrie had expected, snapped,

"Man!"

Skulduggery paused for a moment, looking embarrassed.

"Sorry…Old Man. Can you tell me how close we are to – "

"I'm thirty seven."

"…What?"

The farmer limped up to the fence.

"I'm thirty seven – I'm not old!"

Valkyrie stifled a giggle as she watched her friend, careful to stay out of the argument.

"Well, I can't just call you 'Man'."

"You could say 'Dennis'."

Skulduggery irritably tapped his fingers on the fence.

"How was I supposed to know you were called 'Dennis'?"

"You didn't bother to find out, now did you?"

Skulduggery stared at the man, Dennis, in astonishment.

"Look, I said I was sorry about the 'Old Woman', but from behind you looked – "

"What I object to is you city folk automatically treating me like an inferior."

Both Skulduggery and Valkyrie gaped at him.

"Look, I'm a certified detective and – "

"Oh, detective, very nice. And how'd you get that fancy title, eh?"

Skulduggery shook his head, and for a moment in his anger, forgot himself.

"I work for the Grand Mages of a magical society no one knows about." He snapped. "How could that possible matter? We just need to know where - "

"Ooooh, magic, eh? Listen, if I went around telling people I was emperor because o' some magical spell, they'd put me away!"

Skulduggery ground his teeth.

"Will you shut up?"

"Look, just because some fanciful magical kings hired you don't make you better than me!"

"Shut up!"

"I mean, magic ain't no way to sort out a system of stature or popularity!"

With a hysterical Valkyrie standing behind him, Skulduggery banged his head against the wooden post.

"Please, for the love of heaven, be quiet and tell us how close we are to Dublin!"

"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" Dennis waved his arms about and shouted to no one in particular, "HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!"

Valkyrie began to take pity on Skulduggery and dragged him away from the man. "Bloody idiot." He muttered as they walked away.

"Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, you hear that? That's what I'm on about – did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you…"

Dennis's voice was carried off by the wind and grew dimmer and dimmer the farther Valkyrie dragged her friend from the pasture. After a while, he spoke.

"And that is why I don't ask for directions."

* * *

_As usual, reviews, comments, advice, etc. is appreciated._

_Ok, ok, I also used a line from M*A*S*H. Shhhhhh…_

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_

_"I am only harmlessly borrowing these Monty Python jokes, not making a profit, all belongs to Graham Chapman and John Cleese, as well as the rest of that remarkably talented group."_


	14. Mister Twister

_Well, this one is inspired by my recent adventure at Elitch Gardens. I'm okay with The Twister now, but was absolutely terrified the first time and wouldn't open my eyes. But you could not, not in a million years, get me on the Mind Eraser or Tower of Doom. But…I can make these characters do whatever I want…*evil laugh*. _

* * *

"Scaredy-cat."

"Is that the worst insult you can come up with?"

"…Fraidy-cat?"

"But…but I've never been on one before, especially not an old wooden one!"

"There's a first time for everything."

Other customers in line looked curiously at the three arguing friends. Tanith stood behind them and looked on amusedly as Skulduggery continued to mock Valkyrie.

"I don't see why you people find mind numbing terror so amusing."

Skulduggery snorted and nudged her forward as the line shortened. Above them in the swooping mess of white, wooden support beams, a ten seated train full of screaming people with their arms in the air roared by. A small shudder rippled down Valkyrie's back when she saw the wood shiver and quake as the train raced down it. Skulduggery chuckled slightly.

"It's not that scary. I mean, look at all those people having so much fun!" he said.

"Oh yeah, I can tell by all the bloodcurdling screams that they're having a _blast_."

"Nonsense, those are screams of joy."

Valkyrie looked at her two friends incredulously and was pushed forward another few feet by Tanith.

"You've never been on one, how do you know what it's like?"

"They are _screaming_ in _terror_." She sputtered.

"Come on, I'll be sitting right next to you." Skulduggery soothed. "And Tanith will be behind you. It's not like you're going to fall out." He paused for a moment. "But there was that one time the entire train flew off the track when the beams collapsed. That's why this is called the _Twister 2_…"

Valkyrie's face drained of all color and she looked up, wide-eyed, at the tracks. Skulduggery sniggered evilly but stopped with a plaintive "Ow!" when Tanith smacked him upside the head.

"Shut up, that never happened."

Valkyrie was still shaky as they arrived at the front holding gates, waiting with other people to get on the next train of cars. Skulduggery was busy securing his scarf and subtly pinning down his hat and wig.

Valkyrie could feel the dread building in her chest as the second train pulled up. She knew she had no choice but to get on, and it was to late to turn back now. She climbed into the left seat on the car, and Skulduggery climbed in to the one beside her. Attendants milled around, making sure people had secured their seatbelts and the handles were locked down over their laps.

A shrill bell rung, and the train moved forward. Valkyrie flinched as it hit the first hard right turn, then jerked as it clanked up the gigantic first hill. Her eyes squeezed shut and her jaw clenched, Valkyrie had the seat in a vice grip.

"Come on, open your eyes."

She shook her head.

"Please?"

"No!"

"It's a fantastic view of the park!"

She opened her eyes very faintly, and through the narrow slits she saw the rest of the amusement park shrinking below her. She let out a tiny shriek and grasped the seat tighter.

"Are you ready?" Skulduggery asked. Holding her breath, Valkyrie tensed and waited for the horrifying drop.

A shout of joy from behind her signed her death warrant. Her stomach plunged and she released an ear splitting scream as they flew downwards.

Wind buffeted her face and hair and shouts crowded the air around her. At every turn she was thrown against the side of the seat and tossed backwards, forward, up and down. She could sense Skulduggery next to her with is arms up and whooping, as well as Tanith doing the same behind her. All Valkyrie could do was hold on tighter and mutter,

"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap…"

Suddenly, she was plunged into darkness as the train entered a tunnel. The screams were even more deafening, echoing against the walls.

Then, almost as soon as it started, they lurched to a neck wrenching halt.

"Whoo! That was awesome!" Skulduggery laughed. "Uhm, Valkyrie…you can let go of the seat now."

When she didn't move or even unclench her teeth, Skulduggery reached over and pried her fingers away from the car.

Climbing out, Valkyrie immediately walked over to the exit gate on shaky legs, dragging Tanith and Skulduggery behind her.

* * *

"There is _no way_ in _hell_ you are getting me on _that_!"

"Why not?"

"It's a death trap!" Tanith shrieked.

Valkyrie stayed silent as Tanith and Skulduggery argued behind her. All she could do was gape up at the 220 feet tall tower above her. Small rows of seats with people strapped in rose slowly, ominously, like a wall-less elevator. But what astonished her more was that the people were enjoying it. Her friends silenced and watched as the seats reached the top. It stopped for a suspenseful total of ten seconds before plummeting down to earth. Screams shattered the air as the seats fell. About ten feet from the bottom, it slowed and came to a stop, its occupants rising shakily and laughing nervously, their eyes wide.

Skulduggery pondered for a moment.

"Okay, we won't go on that. Anyone for a ride on the _Mind Eraser_?"

Valkyrie paled, and edged slowly away.

"I…uh…think I'll just go get a….funnel…cake…"

She was gone before Tanith could even give her the money.

* * *

_Last night I had a dream that I was writing this. I got through half of it….then my computer crashed. My dream self was devastated, but when I woke up, I remembered most of what I wrote! Isn't that awesome? You just read dream-writing._

_This was my actual experience. It didn't help that my friend, before we fell down that first hill on Twister, turned and said "You might want to hold onto your glasses. Your head. Anything you find valuable." The whole way I was shouting and cussing about how much I hated her for making me do this. I must admit it was pretty exciting and I was okay with the ride from then on, but whoever sat next to me got an earfull._

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_


	15. Editors Note

_…Kinda. I'm speaking for my editor, Katie. _

_The indispensable, wonderful Katie is going on holiday for the next month and a half. Since she's the one all my pieces go through before they come here, I will also not be posting for the next month and a half. _

_She wishes you a happy fourth o' July, and a fond farewell._

_Till next time,_

_ - Snow 0_o _

- Katie :D


	16. Do Your Research

_Yeah, the last one sucked. I'm sorry. That's what happens when you run out of ideas. But now, we move on to another misadventure of the relatively deadly, not-all-that-evil sorcerer Scaramouch Van Dreg!_

…_that's the part where you guys say "yay"._

* * *

"Skulduggery…where are we?"

"It's dark and we're chained to a wall. That is the extent of my knowledge."

"Wonderful."

Valkyrie shifted uncomfortably against her bounds, squinting into the darkness before her, attempting to make out anything of their surroundings. She sighed in defeat when she failed.

"I wish they hadn't tied us up in these particular positions," Skulduggery said after a moment of silence. "I always found having my arms and wrists stuck in one place for a long time to be very painful."

"It's not any more enjoyable for me." Valkyrie grumbled. She thought for a moment. "Do you think I could conjure a flame behind my back so we can have a little light?"

"Not unless you want a scorch mark on your as-"

"Quiet! Someone's coming."

They waited in silent trepidation as footsteps sounded ominously outside the room. They grew closer, and stopped for a long moment just outside their door, as if the person was pausing for dramatic effect.

Suddenly, a door in front of them was violently thrown open, crashing back against the wall and a tall silhouette loomed over the two prisoners. Valkyrie narrowed her eyes against the sudden barrage of light illuminating from behind the man standing in the doorway.

After her eyes had adjusted and she could look their captor full on in the face, she studied him for a moment, then turned and looked at Skulduggery.

Skulduggery looked at her.

They burst into laughter.

Scaramouch Van Dreg's shoulders drooped and his victorious smile collapsed. He sighed dejectedly and flipped a previously unknown light switch next to the door. The room flickered, and a dull light revealed Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain still in hysterics.

"I wish you two could look at me without laughing." Scaramouch sighed. "Aren't you even the slightest bit scared? Nervous? Uncomfortable?"

Valkyrie and Skulduggery just laughed harder.

Swallowing his laughter, the skeleton cocked his head at Scaramouch.

"Well, what is it this time, Van Dreg? Another magic-draining bug, or something a little larger? Like a box?"

Scaramouch ignored their resumed laughter and grinned evilly. Or, what he thought looked like an evil grin.

"No…I have - THIS! And with it, your DOOM!"

He whipped a white, gnarled looking wooden staff from under his cloak. Stamping it on the floor, he thrust out his chin proudly and stood tall. When only silence followed his performance, he frowned and looked curiously down at his two prisoners.

Valkyrie turned questioningly to her friend, who was now looking somewhat interested.

"Err…what is that?" she asked.

"This, my ill-mannered girl, is the White Thorn Staff. Using it, I shall summon a vast army of vicious, bloodthirsty vampires, and continue my plot to rule the earth!" he then commenced with a bout of evil laughter. When he didn't hear his captives screaming in terror, Scaramouch sighed and leaned on the staff.

"What? Why no yelling and bawling in fear? Doom doesn't scare you people?"

Skulduggery shook his head pityingly at Van Dreg.

"You didn't research this particular artifact before you stole it, did you?"

Scaramouch blanched.

"Of-of course I did! I would have to be an idiot not to re…." He frowned suspiciously. "Why?"

The detective sighed, and began speaking as if leading a lecture.

"The White Thorn Staff, made from Whitehorn Acacia, or _Acacia constricta_, is a magical artifact used to dispel vampires. It is speculated that this staff is where the first idea of plunging a wooden stake into a vampire's heart in order to kill it originated. This method, of course, works for most things, vampire or not. The staff…until recently, apparently…has been stored in a museum in Transylvania."

Scaramouch stared, mouth agape, at Skulduggery.

"Did you get all that, Van Dreg?" Valkyrie asked, horribly amused. "Staff makes vampires go bye-bye, not the other way around."

"That, and…" Skulduggery snickered, "…no one quite figured out how to use it, anyway."

A few moments of tranquil silence graced the room.

It was promptly ruptured when Scaramouch let loose with a blue streak of swears that would make a sailor blush.

* * *

_Fun Fact: According to Encyclopedia Horrifica, 'Acacia constricta' (a.k.a Whitehorn) is the ideal wood to use for staking vampires. The tree can be found wild in the American Southwest._

_Another Fun Fact: There is really a Dracula Festival every October at the Rosenbach Museum and Library. Cool, huh? 0_o_

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Scaramouch Van Dreg, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_


	17. Eat Your Vegetables

_*brushes dust off of account, looks up sheepishly at readers*_

_Well…erm…hello there. It's…ah….been awhile, hasn't it?_

…

_I CAN EXPLAIN!...ok, actually, I can't. I've been both really lazy and really busy, what with my Honors English class and new horror/survival game and all. I also couldn't think of many ideas or themes for these. It may start to go dormant for a long while, but will stay open just in case._

_I have been writing, though. Shameless plug - A certain unnamed multi-chap is coming along quite nicely for me. It shall be posted on my fictionpress account soon._

_That is, of course, after my dear editor goes over it. Speaking of which, this chapter is going to have a great big dedication, because I'm in kind of a sappy mood right now – _

_For:_

_Ciara, Jamie, Jared, Utah, Stephanie, Thomas, and the whole gang, who will never have the chance to read this. Utah, keep working on that secret laboratory._

_Cheyenne – Eleven years of friendship; don't let it die because you're gone._

_Lauren - Get well soon, and take care of yourself. Don't forget to breathe._

_Ash - We are the oddest pair of friends I've ever seen. Wouldn't want it any other way._

_Grandpa McGraw and Tex Hill, for being the biggest hero's in my life. Thanks for the advice, Tex. Say hi to your wife for me._

_Katie – I would be lost without my friend and editor. Thank you so much. :)_

_Mom - Without you, I wouldn't be the bookworm and artist I am today._

_Joe – Best uncle ever. Period. Never have I met a man who can swear in the presence of a seven year old and make it look ok. :D_

_And most importantly, to my Dad, who led me into a world of steam locomotives, Gordon Lightfoot, and fly-fishing. I never want to leave._

_Onward!_

"…Valkyrie…"

"Yes?"

"Am I correct in assuming that you just flicked a _carrot _at me?"

Valkyrie peered into her box of takeout, shrugged, and took another bite of her salad.

"Probably," Was the nonchalant reply. "Why?"

"Because it is currently stuck to the side of my face."

Snickering, Valkyrie continued to eat her dinner, careful not to spill anything on the seat of the Bentley. Gazing past Skulduggery (who was irritably peeling the carrot strip from the side of his skull), Valkyrie wondered for the tenth time that evening when Scapegrace was going to gather up the nerve to leave his hiding place. They had chased him through the streets on foot at first, then gave up and hopped in the parked Bentley when they rounded the same street for the second time that evening.

When Scapegrace saw them gaining on him, he ducked into a local cafe and sat down at a table in the center of the restraunt, looking pleased with himself. Skulduggery and Valkyrie didn't dare to apprehend him in the middle of a crowded place with too many mortal witnesses. So, they parked just on the other side of the street, and waited.

And waited.

Finally, Valkyrie had announced she was going to go to the small convenience store next to them and buy some food. They were obviously going to be there a while.

Now, a few hours later, she was starting to get extremely bored.

Subtly, she picked up another small shred of lettuce on her fork and flicked it at her partner.

He flinched slightly, then sighed as he picked the offending vegetable off his forehead and dropped it out the window of the car.

It was soon replaced by another.

"_Do_ you _mind_?" Skulduggery growled.

"It's my salad, I can do what I want with it!"

They sat for a few moments in still silence. Valkyrie was about to catapult another carrot when suddenly Skulduggery jumped in his seat and threw the car into gear.

"There he goes!"

Scapegrace was trying unsuccessfully to edge his way out behind a flock of people exiting the café. As soon as he was a few feet from the door, he burst into a flat out run.

Valkyrie was about to snap close the container, when Skulduggery floored the gas pedal.

Next thing she knew, the box flew from her hands and her vision went green.

Sputtering in outrage, she ignored the hysterical laughs from her friend and instead snapped,

"Just drive!"

Brushing the vegetables off her face, Valkyrie managed to get most of them back in the box. Scowling, she looked out the window to see how Scapegrace was doing.

Skulduggery had easily pulled up alongside him, and he was puffing worriedly, trying to outrun the Bentley.

Then, Valkyrie got an idea.

Unbuckling her seatbelt and gripping the open salad box tightly, Valkyrie leaned far out the window.

"What are you _doing_?"

"Pull up ahead of him!"

"_What_?"

"Just do it!"

Skulduggery shrugged, and sped the car up just enough for Valkyrie to be two feet away from Scapegrace, who looked at her confusedly.

Valkyrie aimed and tossed the salad. She hit her mark.

Scapegrace squealed and tripped as the box of vegetables hit him full on in the face, and he promptly fell forward. Raising his lettuce-adorned head, Scapegrace groaned when he saw the skeleton and the girl standing over him and let his head fall back into the box.

"Well, I must admit, I've never seen someone apprehend a criminal with nothing but a salad before. It was…" Skulduggery trailed off.

"Awesome?" Valkyrie offered. "Brilliant? Extraordinary?"

"…stupid, yet effective."

Valkyrie glared.

"I mean, all you did was throw a box at his face."

"Out of a moving car!"

"Hmph."

Valkyrie's scowl only deepened when Skulduggery helpfully picked a strand of lettuce out of her hair.

"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Scapegrace, Scaramouch Van Dreg, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."


	18. Holy Artifacts

Well, look who's back! Due to multiple death threats by the one and only

_**sneaky lunatic spy**__ (both of which involved rabid vipers and spoons of doom), I have decided to physically kick my own butt in gear. *sits down gingerly* _

_But seriously, guys, I'm running out of ideas. You've seen how desperate a few of these are…like that Christmas song one. *shakes head at self in disappointment* I'm tempted to remove that. Someone tell me if they would prefer otherwise._

_In other words, suggestions are very much welcome. But I have an excuse for my lack of attention to this series – I am still working on that other waaay longer story…to be posted soon on my fictionpress account! Stay tuned…_

_Special thanks to my dear Katie for editing._

_This chapter is dedicated to my uncle Joe._

_Regards to Monty Python. :D_

_

* * *

_

There was a dangerous, steely glint in China Sorrows' eye that clearly meant she was feeling far from happy. If anything, she was livid. Not that her immaculate outer self would ever show it, of course. The library was silent and as organized as ever. Serene and peaceful. But something seemed off.

"Do you know what I found pinned to one of my bookshelves this morning, Skulduggery?" China Sorrows questioned smoothly of the nervous looking Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain.

"Eh, no….what?" Answered Skulduggery cautiously. Valkyrie edged back slowly until her back was touching the wall behind her. She had seen Miss Sorrows get horribly angry once before, and she had no intention of seeing it again.

"I found _this._" She produced a small square of paper with grubby handwriting on it, and held it out in front of their noses. Skulduggery slowly took the paper, and read its contents out loud.

"Dear Person Reading This," Valkyrie cocked an eyebrow as Skulduggery tilted his head slightly. "You will soon discover that many of your books containing important information on ancient religious artifacts are missing. I have them. I will keep them as long as I have need of them -" Skulduggery paused when he saw the author of the note had actually written out his laughter as a series of h's and a's. He shook his head and continued reading. "Do not try to find me. Signed, - oh, dear god…"

"What? Signed who?" Valkyrie snatched the paper from the older sorcerer, who was in the midst of smacking his palm to his face. She finished reading the last part of the note.

"Signed…Scaramouch Van Dreg? Oh, you've got to be kidding me. He's kidnapping books now?"

"Apparently," Skulduggery sighed. China folded her arms crossly.

"Do you two know this person?"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie exchanged glances.

"We've met."

"How so?"

"He has a fetish for religious or magical items and artifacts,"

"I gathered." China said dryly.

"…And he locked me in a closet."

China raised her eyebrows.

"Twice." Valkyrie piped up.

"That wasn't a closet, it was a dungeon." He protested. China prevented the ensuing argument by interrupting the two.

"That's nice. Now, I don't care if you have to lock _him _in a closet, or a dungeon, or whatever. Just _get me my books back._" She spat.

The detective and his partner flinched slightly. Folding the paper and slipping it in his coat pocket, Skulduggery nodded and turned to Valkyrie.

"I'm pretty sure he went back to that old motel on the other side of town after he got out of prison. We can check there first."

* * *

"Van Dreg? Come on, open the door." When he received no answer, Skulduggery impatiently pounded on the door to the cheap motel room once again. Still hearing nothing save for the faint shuffling of feet, the sorcerer pressed up against the door again. "Van Dreg, you have one minute before I forget the pleasantries and burn this door down. Now open up!" The two waited silently, until they heard a strained voice leak out from the room.

"Go away! I told you in my note to not come and look for me!"

The detective sighed and rested his skull against the chipped doorframe.

"Scaramouch, if you didn't want us to come after you, you shouldn't have signed your name."

There was a pause.

"…It wouldn't have made a difference. You people just don't know how to follow simple directions."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and leaned in closer to the door.

"We don't care why you wanted the books. We won't even arrest you. Just give us the books back." She thought for a second. "Come to think of it, you stole from a _library,_ Scaramouch. Why didn't you just check them out?"

The two waited for a reply. It seemed the person inside the motel room was thinking quite hard.

"…You don't want to know what my evil plan is?"

"No." Skulduggery said bluntly. "Give us the books."

"Not unless you listen to my plot and leave me alone afterwards!"

Pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, Valkyrie sighed.

"Fine, what is it?"

"I am going to unleash doom upon the world once I obtain…"

The two waited as there was a 'dramatic' pause.

"…The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!" Van Dreg then commenced laughing maniacally, but was met with something unexpected as the duo on the opposite side of the door began to laugh as well.

"I'm sorry, The Holy _what_?" Skulduggery chuckled. "Tell me, Scaramouch, are you finding anything on this particular artifact in those books of yours?"

There was a long silence as Scaramouch hesitated.

"Well, no, but I have received this passage from a very credible source. Hold on -"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie listened curiously as the rustling of papers could be heard from within the room.

"Ah, here it is. Ahem – 'And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu…'"

His voice was soon drowned out with laughter from the other side of the door.

"Tell us, Scaramouch, how does the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch work?" Chuckled Valkyrie. "Did your credible source tell you that?"

"He did!" Van Dreg shouted indignantly. "Here – 'And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.' There! Imagine the horrifying DOOM I could unleash upon the world, if only I had this remarkable artifact!"

He was once again met with near hysterical laughter.

"Might your source be one Vaurien Scapegrace?"

"Why do you care?"

"Scapegrace has been making up relics and religious items ever since he got bored while sitting in his prison cell. I didn't really think anyone would be gullible enough to actually believe it. He once tried to convince me," Skulduggery chuckled, "that there was a 'Sacred Milk Saucer of Switzerland'."

They waited for a few moments as they heard Scaramouch blunder about the room, making his way to the door. He opened it cautiously, peering through the small crack, and then opening the door fully, he shoved a stack of manuscripts into Valkyrie's arms. He slammed the door, and could be heard shouting a myriad of curses by the duo as they left the motel, still snickering quietly

* * *

_"Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Stephanie Edgley, Scapegrace, Scaramouch Van Dreg, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, etc. Belong to Derek Landy and his publishers, respectively."_

_The idea of the 'Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch' belongs to Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones._


End file.
